i finished my last chemo on thursday and iexpected more. youd think id be happier but i dont feel happy. i feel like it was nothing. just another day in my life. I wanted a sense of relief, a moment where id cry more, or some sort of sign that it was over. But i cant seem to feel anything and thats the problem im not feeling anything or getting anything out of this. Four years ago i was told i had cancer i was told i was going to die i was told alot of things. like that i would be intreatment for years to come and every time they would mention the last day i just acted like it was never going to happen. Because thats exsctly how it felt like it was never going to happen. i lived and edndlessa amount of suffering and i still do the medicine is over but now im left with battle wounds and scars. Every day from now on i can live my life of fear “will my cancer come back?” everytime i get sick “is this it?”. so when they say its over is it really? Do i ever get my sanity back? i want to be free from this disease i want to feel life rush into me and take over. but how do i let go cancer has become a part of me and my life. As much as i hate it i love it. Ive gained things i never would have if i had not got my cancer its pushed me to my limits and sometimes passed them. Tested my strengths and just how much i can truly take. so tell how do i let go …how do i let go?!
The title says it all for me but I know it’s wrong. I feel like its hard for me every day just to see what people are out their doing while kids like me are in hospitals getting poked and prodded like a dead lab rat. When did it become okay for me to die over and over? I feel like a piece of my soul is taken away every day. You read about those murderers and rapist daily but do they have cancer?! Let me answer that “no!” why do I have to sit through a spinal taps and bone marrow aspirations while a serial killer just gets to go free (sometimes)? But one day I woke up! I can’t sit here a fucking complain all day. I have a life for god sakes I’m still alive ! And yet some how I have the gall to sit here and complain about living? I’m crazy I see that I have some thing to be greatfull for and it’s the fact that I’m breathing. One thing my aunt told me was “remember some where out there some one has it worse.” which is so true! I have cancer but some where out there some one just died from cancer. I see that I find myself sitting in bed wanting to just die which seems so easy cause ive been close before but I can’t I have to live for those who couldn’t those who didn’t have a chance those who didn’t get a good bye those who could not love. And I have to see that! You have to be your own motivation you have push yourself to do alot more than you think. You can’t sit here a dwell on what’s killing you but you have to feed on whats pushing you to fail. Feed on your weaknesses and use them to fuel you confidence. Fuel yourself into a life you deserve because you are worth it and you deserve better you are the only you and you have to remember that you can not and will not be replaced !